Massacre

Edited.

That is exactly what GunSmith looks like.

It's 5:30. Sun's only just rising, and the freeway below is already gridlocked. Suits on the way to their 9-to-5s, making money that will only be wasted on their cheating wives and idiot kids. I'm on a mountain, above the Land Act Dam, not another soul around for miles. Sitting on an iron horse, three quarters of the way through a bottle of whiskey, waiting for the text message that tells me who has to die today. I don't owe anyone. I don't need the money. I can do what I please. I could fly to Vice City tomorrow, never think of Los Santos again. But I love what I do. I love gasoline and bullets and blades. I love explosions, executions, robberies. I love the look on some poor hood's face as he sees my blacked-out Buffalo S powerslide around the corner, knowing that he's breathing his last breaths. I love watching some suit trying to crawl through his window and scream at me as I flick the butt of my Redwood into the pool of gasoline I've rolled his Granger into. I love every second of it. So sit in your Oracle and judge me as I white-line my Daemon through rush hour traffic. Think about the cigarette in my mouth and the blood on my clothes and judge me, while the missus rambles about the upcoming remodel to your home. While you're lying awake at night, dreading the fact that you'll be sitting in traffic again in three hours, think about the satisfied smirk on my face, and the pistol tucked into my waistband, and judge me. Judge all you want. When you're sitting in your little cubicle tomorrow, think long and hard about how you're living your life, and think about how you judged me for living mine. Think about that smirk on my face, as you take notice of the frown on yours. Ask yourself... ... who's really wasting their life? (It is impossible to get a good selfie)

I don't think Firm can taste flavors. It all just tastes like drunk, to him. Kind of like how goblins aren't picky about what shiny things they steal. It all looks like treasure. I enjoy contributing to The Legend of Firm.

Most cars need to be lower. Most old cars need to have their top chopped a little. Not ruining it, just fixing what the company did wrong from the start. That one still has its awkward-looking top, though.

Ooh, juice.

I'm not the only one who likes parachuting?!

I came to this realization within 10 minutes of test flights and a trip to the clothing store. I can't believe you gave it two weeks. That's way more credit than it deserves.

Well, shit. Now I want it, too.

Finally, a Madden game that looks like it might be fun for a few minutes. They should call this intentional so it'll look like they did something new, for the first time since the franchise started.

YER TOO FUCKIN' FAT AN' JESUS DON'T WANT YA BREAKIN' THE GODDAMN PEWS, YOU FAT BITCH. IF YA CAN'T SQUEEZE YER FAT ASS INTO THE CONFESSION BOOTH, THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO CONFESS IS THAT YOU NEED TO LAY OFF THE FUCKIN' BURGER SHOT. Every picture of Doug includes a caps lock caption, in my mind.

*Ships bobs up and down in the water, cannons at the ready* *Everyone in the session is DMing downtown* "Hey, guys? Can someone come to the coast, please?" "... Guys?"

This seemed to fit better than Shelley.

*Emails Rockstar*

I thought you were going for lumberjack. Ah well, either option specializes in the handling of wood. Ba-dum-tsh.

FUCKING QUITTER

Blue vest. Wal-Mart greeter. Done.

I can't find my banjo anywhere.

They wouldn't do what they'd need to do in order for heists to be worth the wait. Las Venturas cannot stand on its own as the setting for a future GTA. There isn't enough there. They need to bring in LV for story mode and online, with an entirely new singleplayer story revolving around hitting major casinos, and the three protagonists acquiring their own casino, a la San Andreas. For GTAO, maybe they could use the new location to give us some kind of story and tell us why we should give a fuck about any of the missions we're offered, because I have plenty of money, meaning my character has no reason to do anything for anyone. None of this will happen, of course. It would be too smart and enjoyable. Heists will end up paying $100k, tops, with the smaller banks throughout the map possible to rob for a $50k take. There might be some stylish new masks for us (including the gas mask I should've had from day 1), and maybe, if we're lucky, some better housing. Dare I say... mansions? Even that's too generous, I'm sure. It won't be worth the wait.

Neither of those things have been announced yet. When they are, we'll have it on the front page immediately.

I'm hoping for the same thing, but so far all we've gotten is insignificant fluff for GTAO, a year with no heists, and not a word about story mode DLC other than "soon" I'm having trouble being optimistic about it.

If you get involved, I'm kind of obligated to also hire GunSmith to be our weaselly accountant. Our filthy, sniveling, gold-hoarding, universally-loathed utter scumbag accountant.

Indie studio Undead Labs renewed my faith in zombie games, so, yeah, if it comes to it, hopefully someone does the same with open-world crime games. I could always start a studio of my own. Dup? bOnEs?

I'm trying to withhold judgement about their potential sellout status until GTA VI. I know GTAO is still one big, greedy pile of shit and shekels, but I'm not willing to declare time of death for GTA as a whole, yet. It's not an easy pill to swallow when you were raised by GTA. A lot of us were.